It has been a difficult 6 weeks or so. Definitely not something anyone could plan for and for sure not something you would wish on anyone else. Losing a baby is not something I could fathom before now, and hope to never feel again.

Day by day my emotions change. In fact you never know from minute to minute what I may be feeling. Sorry for Marsha, but she is stuck with me and my ways.

We are choosing to move ahead, and remember the good times. We don’t ever want to forget our little son, John Carter Rinard. He was so beautiful and so desired. I doubt a person could ever be wanted more than my son.

I long for the day to hold him, and I long for the days of dreaming about what he will be when he grows up. I miss the planning that I did, where Phil and I would take little Johnny camping and teach him how to fish.

You see, we had plans, we had dreams. What I am living was never part of those dreams.

I am definitely living a life I never wanted to dream.